Dr. Google

So at the same time I went in for my blood tests to start Lithium I was also getting follow up tests for Anti-phospholipid syndrome (APS or Hughes syndrome). I had gotten my first test last July after having two miscarriages in April and June and then having an odd shortened cycle. I had gone through a TON of tests (over 13 vials) and this is the only one that came back abnormal. But we didn't know if it was a true positive or if it was abnormal because I was yet again pregnant. I couldn't take the test again right away because of the pregnancy, which can sometimes alter tests. So I went 9 months wondering, all the while taking ASA each day. I got my req for tests again in May but didn't go. I put it off and put it off. When my dr gave me my Lithium tests last week she told me I had to get my follow up tests for APS. Since getting those tests done, I spent time reading online about APS, checking signs and symptoms. Of course that is the worst thing a person with an anxiety disorder could do. There are things I had an idea that could be related and it was confirmed, but then there were other things that I didn't realize that could be related that I also have. So now I get to sit here and wonder until those tests come back, and after all the reading with Dr. Google, I am anticipating a positive result. Of course in all my reading I didn't look at treatment, just because I don't want to think that far. But I have a feeling it entails lots of dr visits.....

For those of you wondering these are the signs and symptoms of APS (a * denotes symptoms I have)

• Blood Clots (arterial or venous with the most common being Stroke or Deep Vein Thrombosis)
• Miscarriage, stillbirth or premature birth *
• Possible severe pre-eclampsia
• Headaches or migraines *
• Oscillopsia *
• Double Vision 
• Joint pain *
• Excessive hair loss *
• Cold or bluish hands *
• Dry eyes *
• Sharp chest pains *
• Balance and mobility problems *
• Speech and memory problems * (more memory than speech)
• Tingling sensation in the arms and legs * (pins and needles)
• Fatigue *

As you can see, I have a lot of the symptoms. Fun right?

Grey cakes

What is your opinion. I think that depression is becoming less of a taboo over the last few years, especially since it being more reddily diagnosed and more celebrities and famous people are talking about their struggles with mental health problems. Personally a grey cake seems unappetizing and not sure it would get me to ask why it was done, therefore opening up a dialog on the topic. Would it work for you?
http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2013/08/14/emotional-eating-gray-cakes-tackle-depression-taboo/?hpt=hp_c4

You're perfect to me

Well it's been two days since my blood tests came back (mostly still waiting on my thyroid test and antiphospholipid test but that one is unrelated) and yesterday I started Lithium. 300 mg twice a day. I thought I was getting once daily, it's hard enough to remember taking once a day, hopefully I can keep up with the twice a day. I haven't noticed anything yet, no side effects. But it can take weeks before you start feeling better when taking meds like this (or any anti-psychotic or antidepressant) so we will see in time how helpful it is. While I'm not feeling any effects yet from the Lithium, I am however going through bad withdrawal from my Cipralex. I weaned off of it slowly. Taking a month to go from 30mg to 5 and its been a week since I have had any, and I am getting all kinds of weirdness in my eyes, kind of like I did with Paxil (which is the WORST to wean off of). It's hard to explain, its kind of like my eyes focus normally, then almost like they zoom, sharpen and then go back to normal (think kind of like a camera) it ends up making me dizzy after it does it a few times in a couple minutes. I am hoping it doesn't last long.
I feel like I'm not on medication at the moment, mostly because my meds haven't kicked in yet. I am looking forward to feeling 'normal'. It's not the best time for it either. I have both boys home, Oliviers daycare is closed for a month and he is a difficult child a good part of the time, and its very hard and taxing. I'm hoping it gets easier over the next week or so, my dad is coming into town on Saturday so Olivier will get to spend extra time with him which will hopefully help me a little.
Right now though I am sitting on my bedroom floor, listening to Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, One Direction (no judging!) and a few others, while Olivier watches TéléToon and Cedric naps, with a diet pepsi and Ruby curling up to me, poor kitty feels neglected lately I think. Music and baking are the things right now that I think help keep me grounded, help my concentration and focus, and thankfully I have a lot of baking coming up in the next week. Maybe if you are lucky I'll post a few pictures.

Rookie Blue

So this morning I was catching up on my summer addiction, Rookie Blue. I had missed the last 2 weeks but thankfully DVR'd them. This summer I liked some of the new characters and story lines. I have always been a fan of Andy and Sam, but I do like Marlo, Sam's new girlfriend. A few episodes before the Aug 1, episode we learned one of the characters was taking Bipolar meds....my first guess was Chloe, based on all the stereotypes she was it. All over the place, no concentration on one thing, up down moods, a little OCD and the list goes on and on. That same episode we found out with Marlo! Color me shocked. And she told Andy, of all people. She hadn't told anyone she worked with, not even Sam, because she was scared people would look at her differently, treat her differently etc. The same fears everyone has when they have a mental health problem.
That episode finished with Andy using the trusty Google doctor to find a website to read about it. I didn't get to finish that episode but that was an indication already that things had changed. Anyways, as I was watching an episode this morning it showed Marlo in her psyc's office. And she made a good point. She said, I feel happy and have energy, you think I'm manic, I feel tired you think I'm depressed. And in a way she's right. It's like you have to look neutral all the time otherwise people wonder if you're going to go off your rocker. I even get it from Jonathan. On a day where I am grumpy or short tempered he asks if I took my medication. I know he means well, I am forgetful and forget to take my medication a lot, even though I have my week ready in a little pill container, and he just wants to make sure I took it. He's not saying that he think I am losing it, just making sure that I am not being like that because I didn't take my medication. But still it makes a person wonder if someone is always analyzing you and your moods. That think that at any minute you are going to lose it. I'm glad that we can laugh about it though, and that I have the support that I need, not everyone has that so in the end it makes me lucky.

And so the ride begins

In November 2011 I saw my family doctor to get blood test results. After everything came back normal we talked a little bit and she decided to put me on antidepressants, Paxil to be exact, thinking I was depressed. I had always had a history of depression since I was a teenager, but this was the first time I had ever taken anything. The month of November was a horrible one. I became so irrational, I stopped eating, my friends and Jonathan had to remind me (or force me) to eat, I lost weight, I didn't want to do anything but lay in bed, being the most depressed I had ever been in my life. In December I saw my doctor to see how the Paxil was going. When I told her what was going on she stopped it right then and there. Then she said something that shocked me. She thought I had Bipolar Disorder. She put me on Seroquel to see if that would help. I refused to see a psychiatrist, because partly I didn't want that definitive diagnosis. But finally I broke and said I would go see one and my referral was put through. I didn't get a call until February of this year. By this point I was over 32 weeks pregnant and not on any medication because of 2 miscarriages the previous spring and they refused to see me. I was highly disappointed but figured maybe it was a sign I didn't need to see anyone special.

After Cédric, my second son, was born in April I became sick with a bad kidney infection. Afterwards I became depressed again, not wanting to go out, or do anything really. I saw my dr and she said I most likely had postpartum depression, but she wanted to put in another referral for the psychiatrist to see me so that we could get this worked out sooner rather than later. 

Yesterday I finally had that appointment, two months after my referral. I saw Dr. Séguin, a very nice older man, and he confirmed my dr's diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. So as of August 8, 2013, I have joined the ranks of Catherine Zeta Jones, Russel Brand, Demi Lovato, Beethoven and Isaac Newton. 

Today I started the road to being medicated. I am being put on 300mg of Lithium, but first I had to go through a battery of blood tests to make sure I was healthy and so that specific things, like my thyroid, could be monitored. For the next few weeks, until we get my dose right, I have to go for blood tests each week, and have my medication adjusted accordingly. Once my levels are right, I only need to go once every 6 months. This may not be the start of my story, that happened years ago when the signs started showing as a teenager, but this is where my true story will start, accepting the fact that I may have to take medication for the rest of my life, so that I have a happy and stable life.