Is it me....?

Sometimes I have these days where I am just down. And I can never tell if its just one of those days where things are bothering me, of its just my bipolar going, Hey! Today feels like a great day to screw with your head a little.
I am having a day where I just want to be in bed and cry. I have a bad cold, my throat feels like it is on fire. I feel like the forgotten child at work. I work in a building away from the rest of my team, in a little office all on my own. Sometimes I wonder if they would even notice if I didn't come in sometime. I loaned a bottle of Purell to my boss last week and it got lost, and tried to give me a bottle of an off brand of hand sanitizer that was half empty, when my bottle was brand new. I'm tired, and I feel unappreciated and I just want to go and cry.
Today is not a good day.

My biggest fear

My biggest fear is losing my boys, all because I am bipolar. I am always terrified that someone will say, you have bipolar, which means we don't know what you will do in the future, therefore, because you could possibly go crazy, we are taking them from you. Up until now I knew that this rarely happened. Well in Britain it did happen. An Italian woman who was in Essex county 15 months ago, was forced by the courts to have a c-section and then they gave her baby up for adoption despite her pleas to raise her daughter. In court the judge even said 'If in later life she reads this judgement, as she may well do, I hope that she will appreciate that her mother in particular loved her and wished for her to return to live with her and to bring her up.It is not the mother's fault, nor the child's, that it was not possible and that a predictable home could only be secured by way of adoption.' All because the woman was bipolar. I guess in this world, it is still possible, in a free world and developed country, to have something like this happen to you. A sad but true fact.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2517944/Judge-Roderick-Newtons-remarkable-message-baby-girl.html

Hi, my name is Melanie and I am a bookworm. **Allegiant Spoilers Ahead**

So for as long as I can remember my stepmom and my dad took me and my brothers, and eventually my sister once she came along, to the library. We were all pretty avid readers, Stephane and Whitney probably the least, but I was definitely the one that devoured books. And it didn't stop as i got older, in fact I think it's gotten worse as I have gotten older, if that's even popular. I love books. I am very invested in books. I have a Kobo Aura HD e-reader, as well a pretty big bookcase full of books (its actually too full and some are in boxes). I like book series, trilogies or series the most. Although I hate, hate hate waiting for the next book in a series to come out. Its pure agony for me. Well the latest source of agony just came out, Allegiant. And when I say just came out, I mean it, it was released yesterday and when I got home from my nice, new shiny hardcopy was waiting for me on my front step. I knew it had been delivered because I had checked this afternoon on Chapters to see where it was (after seeing in the morning it had arrived in the city!). I tore it open the first chance I got. Since Cedric had vaccines this morning I had taken the day off. And I finished just before lunch. I have never been so heartbroken in my life for a book. The only time I remember crying this much was with the last Harry Potter, so that is saying a lot. I think I was as much invested in the Divergent series as I was Harry Potter. And this ending, I don't know what to think. I don't feel like I had a satisfied ending. I feel like there could have been a different story told and not kill off 2 of my favorite characters in the book and leaving the 3 characters who should have died alive, and 2 of them are happy in the epilogue. It just doesn't seem right to me. Tobais should have been happy too, but 2 years later  you can see it still hurts for him. He is doing good with his life, but he is broken, forever. He will never recover from what happened to him. How the author can do that to characters that she loves it beyond me. I know we can't always have a happy ending, but this ending, killing Uriah was bad enough, but then killing Tris as well...it's kind of devastating as a reader, watching her and Tobias finally figure out how to function normally as a couple, to learn to be honest and to trust and just TALK about what they were thinking, and then the next day Tris is dead. And Caleb, Marcus and Evelyn are all alive. Even Peter lives! And he gets to take the cowards way out and erase his memory with the Abnegation serum. But she kills two of the best people in the books. Characters who everyone loved. Poor Uriah, whose life was full of death, first his father, then Maureen and Lynn.
The ending threw me off so much that I can't even tell if I liked the book or hated the book. The first 2/3 of the book are pretty good, the back story and seeing the reactions of Cara, Christina along with the rest of them, to the outside world. Tobias being manipulated by Nita and meeting Matthew, a character i wish had been in the whole series because he was that loveable. Even David, who reminded me a lot of Janine even though he was supposed to be a 'good guy'. Learning about Tris and Caleb's mother, and where she came from and how she knew about the outside world. It was all fascinating, but then I feel like it was ruined. I'm going to have to read it again, but I'm kind of scared reading it will solidify a hatred for a book, and I've never hated a book before. Disliked yes. Hated? Never.

Lets talk about....

No not sex (baby, Lets talk about you and me....), OCD (aka Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) So back when I got my official Bipolar Disorder Type 2 diagnosis I was also diagnosed with OCD tendencies. Today one of my friends, with OCD posted a link on Facebook http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-no-one-tells-you-about-having-ocd_p2/ about OCD. I now see where the OCD tendencies comes from. My biggest one is #4, literally each and every day I have periods of time where all I can see is someone, usually one or both of my boys, getting into an accident or something horrible happening to them, and its usually in graphic detail. It's not me doing something to them, its just some kind of accident, like Olivier throwing a fit while we are walking on the side walk and jumping off the sidewalk into traffic, or I'm walking someplace with Cedric and he is squirming and I drop him (and don't get my started about heights with railings, or carrying Cedric at the mall near the railing and I somehow manage to drop him because I tripped). This is not fun for me. In fact it's rather depressing and scary and puts me into a major funk. People laugh when you say OCD, they think its all about counting or doing a repetitive movement or NEEDING things cleaned a certain way, but its not. Obsessing about people you love getting hurt is not fun. I have a routine or certain way I like things done, and I can get panic attacks just from doing something different, like when we went to Montreal in the Spring. I am used to going a certain way, I have different rest stops that I will use (no others) and I know the way and what to expect. Jonathan wanted to take the new highway instead. It was not a fun trip for me, I fought to go the usual way, I did NOT want to take highway 50. Even he could tell I was stressed. On the way home we took 'my' way. Its not even a big deal taking a different route, but I need that consistency. Not knowing what to expect or having back up plans in case X,Y and Z happens (I always have back up plans, and more back up plans and they are always ready way before I need them just in case there is a change I can 'fix' it). If someone tells me something, like when Cedric had his last pediatric specialist appointment for his reflux, the dr said that his soft spot was almost closed and thats very early for 6 months of age but not to worry, we will keep an eye on it. I already have a plan in place for if he would need surgery to fix it, but I still constantly worry about it and him needing surgery, even though chances are he wont need it, and I know this but I can't help myself.
Maybe if people realized that OCD is more than just turning a light on and off 4 times before leaving a room or the sink needing to be clean before they go to bed, they wouldn't laugh or joke about it as much as they do. The same could be said for Bipolar as well when someone has a mood swing. But I digress.

The one

So it's been 3 weeks today since starting my new medication. I'm still not at my full dose yet, you have to start Lamictal sloooowly (otherwise there are some nasty side effects) so I'm actually only at my second dose, and I still have at least more time to up my dose, next Wednesday. So far I think it is the best medication I have taken so far. I think it seems to be working, albeit slowly, but Jonathan said it seemed to be working as well so hopefully we found the right medication, now its just to find the right dosage. I don't know too much about the medication so hopefully at my next appointment I will have a better idea of dosing and that. I just wanted to check in and tell you all how its going!

Diligence is the key

Something I am learning from this whole thing is paying more attention to detail and being diligent. Stopping one medication and starting another at the same time isn't easy. It's confusing, both trying to make sure you are taking the right dose of each medication at the right time, but also it makes you confused. At least it does for me. I have a hard time focusing on everything, I jump around in my thoughts, start one thing and skip to another completely unrelated thing. I get confused and forgetful, and I just feel like...well I can't really explain it. It's not fun though. I can't complete thoughts or express them properly sometimes and I have to go back and almost put a little PS at the bottom re-explaining what I want to say.
Tuesday I did my last Lithium blood test. As expected it came back low again. Yesterday my dr called in my new prescription, Lamictal, or Lamotrigine to some. I think it took my pharmacist (is it bad when you have a favorite one at your pharmacy and she knows your family well? lol) longer to explain my new medication than it did to prepare the prescription. It's slow going to start. Two weeks a 1 pill in the evening. Then two weeks of 1 pill in the morning and 1 in the evening. Then another 2 weeks of 1 pill in the morning and 2 in the evening. And I have to stop this pill several months before we plan on having another baby because it can cause problems like cleft lips etc.
Last night I spent 10 minutes getting all my medications ready for the week. I feel like an old person with my little pill containers, all my medications ready. Now all i have to do is to create alarms on my phone so I take my medications at the right time. Heres hoping it works and there are no more medications needed.

Finally a new plan

My dr finally heard back from my paychiatrist today. We had 3 options. 1. Up my dose of Lithium. 2. Add another med with the lithium or 3. Switch medications all together. After talking we decided to just switch. No point in keeing to try a medication thats not working in the slightest. So i still have to go for my.blood tests and it will help us figure out how quickly to lower my lithium and start my new medication, Lamictal. It's not the most ideal med but we are going to try it! Cross your fingers it helps!

Work Already!

So this is my 4th week on Lithium, and it may also be my last. Its just not working. I don't notice any changes at all. And its frustrating. My dr is trying to contact my psychiatrist to see about changing me from Lithium to something else, possibly to two others. I hate waiting though. I'm one of the most impatient people in the world. And of course my psychiatrist only works at the clinic 1 day a week. My dr thinks its Tuesdays so hopefully tomorrow I know more. I hate feeling like this, I just want to be normal, or feel normal.

Dr. Google

So at the same time I went in for my blood tests to start Lithium I was also getting follow up tests for Anti-phospholipid syndrome (APS or Hughes syndrome). I had gotten my first test last July after having two miscarriages in April and June and then having an odd shortened cycle. I had gone through a TON of tests (over 13 vials) and this is the only one that came back abnormal. But we didn't know if it was a true positive or if it was abnormal because I was yet again pregnant. I couldn't take the test again right away because of the pregnancy, which can sometimes alter tests. So I went 9 months wondering, all the while taking ASA each day. I got my req for tests again in May but didn't go. I put it off and put it off. When my dr gave me my Lithium tests last week she told me I had to get my follow up tests for APS. Since getting those tests done, I spent time reading online about APS, checking signs and symptoms. Of course that is the worst thing a person with an anxiety disorder could do. There are things I had an idea that could be related and it was confirmed, but then there were other things that I didn't realize that could be related that I also have. So now I get to sit here and wonder until those tests come back, and after all the reading with Dr. Google, I am anticipating a positive result. Of course in all my reading I didn't look at treatment, just because I don't want to think that far. But I have a feeling it entails lots of dr visits.....

For those of you wondering these are the signs and symptoms of APS (a * denotes symptoms I have)

• Blood Clots (arterial or venous with the most common being Stroke or Deep Vein Thrombosis)
• Miscarriage, stillbirth or premature birth *
• Possible severe pre-eclampsia
• Headaches or migraines *
• Oscillopsia *
• Double Vision 
• Joint pain *
• Excessive hair loss *
• Cold or bluish hands *
• Dry eyes *
• Sharp chest pains *
• Balance and mobility problems *
• Speech and memory problems * (more memory than speech)
• Tingling sensation in the arms and legs * (pins and needles)
• Fatigue *

As you can see, I have a lot of the symptoms. Fun right?

Grey cakes

What is your opinion. I think that depression is becoming less of a taboo over the last few years, especially since it being more reddily diagnosed and more celebrities and famous people are talking about their struggles with mental health problems. Personally a grey cake seems unappetizing and not sure it would get me to ask why it was done, therefore opening up a dialog on the topic. Would it work for you?
http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2013/08/14/emotional-eating-gray-cakes-tackle-depression-taboo/?hpt=hp_c4

You're perfect to me

Well it's been two days since my blood tests came back (mostly still waiting on my thyroid test and antiphospholipid test but that one is unrelated) and yesterday I started Lithium. 300 mg twice a day. I thought I was getting once daily, it's hard enough to remember taking once a day, hopefully I can keep up with the twice a day. I haven't noticed anything yet, no side effects. But it can take weeks before you start feeling better when taking meds like this (or any anti-psychotic or antidepressant) so we will see in time how helpful it is. While I'm not feeling any effects yet from the Lithium, I am however going through bad withdrawal from my Cipralex. I weaned off of it slowly. Taking a month to go from 30mg to 5 and its been a week since I have had any, and I am getting all kinds of weirdness in my eyes, kind of like I did with Paxil (which is the WORST to wean off of). It's hard to explain, its kind of like my eyes focus normally, then almost like they zoom, sharpen and then go back to normal (think kind of like a camera) it ends up making me dizzy after it does it a few times in a couple minutes. I am hoping it doesn't last long.
I feel like I'm not on medication at the moment, mostly because my meds haven't kicked in yet. I am looking forward to feeling 'normal'. It's not the best time for it either. I have both boys home, Oliviers daycare is closed for a month and he is a difficult child a good part of the time, and its very hard and taxing. I'm hoping it gets easier over the next week or so, my dad is coming into town on Saturday so Olivier will get to spend extra time with him which will hopefully help me a little.
Right now though I am sitting on my bedroom floor, listening to Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, One Direction (no judging!) and a few others, while Olivier watches TéléToon and Cedric naps, with a diet pepsi and Ruby curling up to me, poor kitty feels neglected lately I think. Music and baking are the things right now that I think help keep me grounded, help my concentration and focus, and thankfully I have a lot of baking coming up in the next week. Maybe if you are lucky I'll post a few pictures.

Rookie Blue

So this morning I was catching up on my summer addiction, Rookie Blue. I had missed the last 2 weeks but thankfully DVR'd them. This summer I liked some of the new characters and story lines. I have always been a fan of Andy and Sam, but I do like Marlo, Sam's new girlfriend. A few episodes before the Aug 1, episode we learned one of the characters was taking Bipolar meds....my first guess was Chloe, based on all the stereotypes she was it. All over the place, no concentration on one thing, up down moods, a little OCD and the list goes on and on. That same episode we found out with Marlo! Color me shocked. And she told Andy, of all people. She hadn't told anyone she worked with, not even Sam, because she was scared people would look at her differently, treat her differently etc. The same fears everyone has when they have a mental health problem.
That episode finished with Andy using the trusty Google doctor to find a website to read about it. I didn't get to finish that episode but that was an indication already that things had changed. Anyways, as I was watching an episode this morning it showed Marlo in her psyc's office. And she made a good point. She said, I feel happy and have energy, you think I'm manic, I feel tired you think I'm depressed. And in a way she's right. It's like you have to look neutral all the time otherwise people wonder if you're going to go off your rocker. I even get it from Jonathan. On a day where I am grumpy or short tempered he asks if I took my medication. I know he means well, I am forgetful and forget to take my medication a lot, even though I have my week ready in a little pill container, and he just wants to make sure I took it. He's not saying that he think I am losing it, just making sure that I am not being like that because I didn't take my medication. But still it makes a person wonder if someone is always analyzing you and your moods. That think that at any minute you are going to lose it. I'm glad that we can laugh about it though, and that I have the support that I need, not everyone has that so in the end it makes me lucky.

And so the ride begins

In November 2011 I saw my family doctor to get blood test results. After everything came back normal we talked a little bit and she decided to put me on antidepressants, Paxil to be exact, thinking I was depressed. I had always had a history of depression since I was a teenager, but this was the first time I had ever taken anything. The month of November was a horrible one. I became so irrational, I stopped eating, my friends and Jonathan had to remind me (or force me) to eat, I lost weight, I didn't want to do anything but lay in bed, being the most depressed I had ever been in my life. In December I saw my doctor to see how the Paxil was going. When I told her what was going on she stopped it right then and there. Then she said something that shocked me. She thought I had Bipolar Disorder. She put me on Seroquel to see if that would help. I refused to see a psychiatrist, because partly I didn't want that definitive diagnosis. But finally I broke and said I would go see one and my referral was put through. I didn't get a call until February of this year. By this point I was over 32 weeks pregnant and not on any medication because of 2 miscarriages the previous spring and they refused to see me. I was highly disappointed but figured maybe it was a sign I didn't need to see anyone special.

After Cédric, my second son, was born in April I became sick with a bad kidney infection. Afterwards I became depressed again, not wanting to go out, or do anything really. I saw my dr and she said I most likely had postpartum depression, but she wanted to put in another referral for the psychiatrist to see me so that we could get this worked out sooner rather than later. 

Yesterday I finally had that appointment, two months after my referral. I saw Dr. Séguin, a very nice older man, and he confirmed my dr's diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. So as of August 8, 2013, I have joined the ranks of Catherine Zeta Jones, Russel Brand, Demi Lovato, Beethoven and Isaac Newton. 

Today I started the road to being medicated. I am being put on 300mg of Lithium, but first I had to go through a battery of blood tests to make sure I was healthy and so that specific things, like my thyroid, could be monitored. For the next few weeks, until we get my dose right, I have to go for blood tests each week, and have my medication adjusted accordingly. Once my levels are right, I only need to go once every 6 months. This may not be the start of my story, that happened years ago when the signs started showing as a teenager, but this is where my true story will start, accepting the fact that I may have to take medication for the rest of my life, so that I have a happy and stable life.