Wait....what?

So here I am, months after my last post and I off my latest meds, for almost a month now. My doctor is off on maternity leave, and her replacements have been less than lackluster. Despite being on a priority list for needing to see them regularly, I have seen a doctor 1 time since March. Once. And I was put on a new medication in July, which wasn't the right dose. So why bother taking it if its not helping? I do have an appointment in 2 weeks, but that was only after I called them and pretty much forced myself into an appointment, they gave it to me rather reluctantly. And even then I think they made a mistake with my diagnosis. None of the medications I have taken have helped at all. I was diagnosed Bipolar 2. Dont get me wrong, I am certain I have Bipolar disorder. No if, ands or buts about it. But if none of these medications are working, maybe they missed something in my diagnosis and a whole other type of drug is what I need. I clearly need it that is for sure. Since stopping my meds, within a week, I noticed I was moodier, I was sad, really sad, for no reason. Then as the time passed that became more pronounced, but more things were added to the pot. I was short tempered. I didn't want to do anything, I cried even easier than usual (I am a big crier), I cant seem to form coherent thoughts or express myself properly and I feel like I am all over the place when I am thinking or talking. And most recently, 3 weeks after the original symptoms came back, I feel like I am paranoid or something. My husband feels like he can't really talk to me because if he says anything the least bit critical I switch it all around that I am not good enough, that I cannot do anything right, that I am pretty useless. When that is not what he is saying at all. Any time anyone says anything negative, or suggests I do something differently, in my mind I feel like a failure, that I cannot do anything right, or that I always mess everything up. I mean my father said I can give him a list of things to pick up for Christmas baking when I get there, but make sure I use it because last time there were left overs that went bad in the cupboard. A normal person would be like oh ok I will make sure its all stuff you can use later on even if I dont use it (my parents arent Fluff fans apparently). In my mind I was like, well great, he doesnt want me to do baking because I leave this huge burden behind when we leave and they have to deal with it and man I thought I was good at baking but now I cant even seem to do that right and does he even really want me to do any baking or should I just not bother. Ok I will go cry now  because I can't do a single thing right. Yea, that stuff isn't even bordering on normal. Its like off the chart cray cray. But stuff like that goes on in my head over and over all day long. And I feel like, if I say anything to anyone, people are going be like, oh shes gone all woe is me, poor me, looking for attention again, its always about her. I know part of it is my self confidence, but not all of it.
Reading this back afterwards I look at it and I am like, wow, you are nuts. Its not fun feeling like you are crazy. Its not fun needing medication everyday just to be tolerable. People laugh when someone has a mood swing and their friends are like, wow bipolar much? I'm not laughing, there is nothing funny about being bipolar.

Statistics

When it comes to mental health there are statistics for everything it seems. So how does someone not become a statistic? It seems like its impossible really. Scientists and reasearchers live on them. Journalists and the media like to throw around any numbers they like, and sometimes I wonder if most of those stats are actually from reliable sources. In a world where everything is a statistic, how can I keep myself from being one? I guess I will just focus on the positive statistics I am a part of. I am in the minority when it comes to bipolar and substance abuse. I've never been institutionalized. Medication works for me (to an extent but hey, even a little is better than not at all right?). Those statistics I don't mind being a part of.

I really suck at this blogging thing!

Two months since I last wrote! Yea I guess I am not as good at this as I hoped I would be....But I figured today would be a good day to do a new post! I had my monthly appointment with the doctor. At the moment I am on 50mg of Lamictal 2 times a day. It's not going to well. Mostly because I only ever get about half of my dose. I ALWAYS forget my morning dose. Too much going on, and even with little notes around I still forgot, so I pretty much gave up on it. My doctor saw that Lamictal has an XR (extended release where you only have to take it once a day) version so she called my pharmacy to see if it would work for me....its not available in Canada! So I spent the last month looking online at different options and went in armed and ready for my appointment to talk about either adding a prescription or stopping completely for something else.
She was great and is consulting with my psychiatrist to see which two would be best (one that he had suggested and one that I suggested). My choice is Latuda, but it is new my doctor wanted another opinion to see if it would work. I can't remember the name of the one she suggested but hopefully in the next week we are weaning me off of the Lamictal and onto a new medication. Its frustrating when nothing seems to work right.